I don't know why....I had no expectations this time. Part of me did hope he would be there, of course.
It's funny that despite the time and distance, the end of the encounter had me feeling the same way I did two years ago
He really didn't value any of our time together at all, leaving me feeling stupid yet again for the gravity he held hold over me.
He technically wasn't my ex, although it sure as hell feels like it.
Every time I have seen you in the two years since, you have always had one foot out the door and disappeared sooner than I could blink. Clearly you don't give a rats arse about me in the slightest.
Which had me pondering if I made the whole thing up. The previous posts says we talked everyday, yet that feels like an entire lifetime ago. It doesn't even seem real anymore and the more and more I think about it you don't know me at all! I don't think I ever really spoke to you. You just spoke to me, I was always the ear, the second best, the easy shoulder to lean on, because I was always there.
Yet, I felt I knew him better than I knew myself. It was so instantaneous, it was something I had never felt before and maybe that is why he meant so much, it was the first time I felt something.
It has been this long and the thought of that feeling is real. I didn't think I even knew what love was.
Yet the guy I seemed to give it to, didn't care at all. He didn't want an ear of it. I was nothing more than a door mat, that I let him walk all over and completely crumple.
Maybe this is all just a fragment of my biggest fear. Never being loved. Cose the reality is, there has never been a guy who has liked me for me. Not a single one. And the one that was a possibility, didn't want a bar of it. I wasn't even an option apparently. Soo the notion that it is just not a possibility for me is real, soo real it's painful.
And seeing him again, brings everyone of those emotions back up to the surface. Like little snowflakes that never really melted, merely floated in the air around me for the passed two years. Do they ever really go away??
Is he the one who never was that will always be? Am I destined to the next eternity alone, because the idea of living the rest of my life alone, I just don't want it.
My entire life, I have always felt this extremely maternal pull. Like my vocation itself was parenthood. It's really just a cruel joke! Why was I born feeling this way, constantly longing for something that is clearly not my reality. It is something that has bought me to tears more times than I can count.
"...the cruelest kind, the one that almost kills its victims." If that ain't something that somes me up, I don't know what is. My life just feels like the cruelest joke there possibly was and I'm soo extremely unhappy.
And I know it is stupid to say, you should feel this way over this, but it's not stupid to me, it is the way I have felt for the last 10 years of which not a fraction of my life has changed. To the next 10 years writing it out, because there is no one to talk or experience it with. That's really just the reality of my situation.
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