I really was an idiot. Love really is blind isn’t it. You don’t see it at the time, but I see it now.
He literally dated 3 other girls in the time he was the only one I could think about was him. Did I date also yes, but I was never all in and it was never anyone he ever knew. He dated other people I worked with, of course that stuff comes out, he didn’t care, certainly not about me. He dated all those other people, because I was never on his radar.
In his mind I was never good enough for him, he never saw me as anything more. Although others were what he deemed worthy of his time, I on the other hand never made the cut. While I was in his life, he was actively pursuing other options because he never saw us as even a speck. God, he was all my mind ever wandered to. And he never cast more than a second on me, he really didn’t. I do to people now what he did to me, I reply to messages a day later not because I don’t like or care about those friends but because I just have other stuff to do but there are people I reply instantly to. I was never one of the people he replied instantly to, ever.
‘I know what you felt Stefan, because if even just a tiny little piece of you felt for me, what I was starting to feel for you, you wouldn’t have walked away and I don’t hate you for that, I don’t hate you for mourning your brother, I don’t hate for being the biggest jerk on the planet while doing so’
He really never cared, not everyone you like likes you back, yes I get that! But he lead me on big time, like big time, and he knew I had feelings for him. There is one time that comes to mind, he literally had confirmation, he knew and never did anything about it. Not only did he not do anything about it, he didn’t change either, the flirting and hanging out never stopped. I really did force my friendship on him, certainly wasn’t something he was after, evident by the lack thereof now. He never saw me as anything more ever, I think it hurts because I saw so much in him, I saw all the things I valued in him as well. He funnily enough tore all those things down to the point I don’t even know what I want anymore. There is nothing to want essentially because I don’t think there will be anyone for me.
I always knew and told myself he was way out of my league, but I liked him anyway, it was hard not to. That one came back to bite me on the arse. I’ll stick in my lane from now on, not that there is really any lane to stay in. If a guy likes you, you will know!! You should never have to guess and if he makes you guess or doubt it, he shouldn’t be worth more than a second of your time – that’s what I have to take away from it.
I think the idea of you will always hurt. It certainly hasn’t stopped now and it’s been years. Maybe it’s stupid of me to feel this way, I don’t know why it does, I wish it didn’t. I’m hung up on a guy that literally didn’t like me at all, I don’t know what that says about me, it can’t be anything good surely. Nonetheless the idea of seeing you or hearing your name will always hurt, it’s a hurts in a way that you feel it deep down.
‘she hates you, because she doesn't hate you at all’
Quotes thanks to Vampire Diaries 6/6
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